Things that happen to me when I’m on my period…

I’m not feeling very funny today because I’m on my period, so I thought I’d write about being on my period and then that’ll probably end up being funny.

Things that happen to me when I’m on my period…

Rage

I fly into an angry rage at least forty-seven times a day, during scenarios where I would usually be calm, patient and rational. Think the dragon off Game of Thrones. Scenario – I ask my kid – for the tenth time – to put her shoes on. The outcome – ‘Dracarys.’

Rage inducing events this week have included

1) My husband remembering to give the kid her book bag but actually forgetting to put the book in it. I actually wanted to rip his face off.

2) The morning routine/school run in general. Kill me now.

3) Queues of non moving traffic and dick heads trying to skip the queue by dipping into the bus lane then trying to cut in… ok that was actually me, and it was the people not letting me cut in that pissed me off.

4) The dog trying to eat every piece of chewing gum off the floor when we’ve been late for school… every day this week.

Tears

I felt so teary this morning I watched Lewis Capaldi’s – ‘Someone you Loved’ music video on YouTube and sobbed like a baby. Why? Because I’m a wallowing, self absorbed prick that’s why.

Distraction

Cannot be arsed to do ANYTHING. I have piles of washing and loads of stuff to sort out for my holiday next week but I cannot be fucked to do any of it. Work can also do one. Including Instagram because If I read one more of those abortion posts…ugh. I mean I’m all for abortion but jeez, it’s all too much today.

I Feel Fat

My inner monologue bodywise goes something like this – oh god I feel gross, I’m so fat, I’m so bloated, I’m so fat, my belly is swollen, I hate my body, I hate my belly, I’m so fat, I’m so fat… repeat until asleep.

Pain

Headache, tender boobs, stomach cramps and my fanny flaps feel like they’ve got bulldog clips clamped on, with kilogram weights hanging off them. It hurts to stand. I need it to stop. Where’s the nurofen?

My Mooncup Pisses Me Off

mean, I know it’s better for the environment but my mooncup just fucks me right off mate. When I was running for the school gates yesterday I swear it was about to dislodge and fall down the leg of my boiler suit and onto the pavement. I just don’t trust it, and it irritates me. But I suppose today so does EVERYTHING.

Food Intake

Even though I feel fat I cannot help but shove piles of chocolate and cake into my moan hole at every opportunity.

Anyway, that’s it, over and out, I can’t stay on here today, you’re all doing my head in.

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