Ok, so last year I started this intuitive eating course and the first step was was to – reject diet culture and never diet again. And that was fine back in Winter, when I could hide my rolls under chunky woolly jumpers and big puffer jackets.
But what about now? Now that it’s Spring my size 12 skinnies are literally bursting at the seams and getting dressed of a morning is like trying to squeeze a bean bag into a thimble.
Surely a diet is the only answer?
You see, we’re going away to Portugal in a few weeks for my Mum’s 70th, and by now I’d usually be on a strict diet. During Spring time I’d always be starving myself on some sort of ridiculous no carb, no sugar type – weigh yourself every morning (after pooing) – crazy, bullshit regime.
But not this year. This year is the first time I’ve not dieted in the lead up to a holiday where I’ll be baring all in a bikini.
And it feels strange. And scary.
I mean, none of my Summer clothes from last year fit me. Gah! Am I going to be comfortable with my big, flabby belly flopping about by the pool? Will I have to invest in a whole new Summer wardrobe? And will I feel attractive and nice if I’m not a dress size smaller?
But what do I do about all this? I mean, on the one hand, I’ve vowed never to diet again, but on the other, I would like to lose a bit of weight for my holiday. I feel totally conflicted.
I. MUST. BE. STRONG.
I must keep eating carbs, and chocolate, and crisps whenever I feel like it. I must not worry about being one dress size bigger than I was last year, because my worth and my value does not depend on that number. I must keep myself full, satisfied and well-nourished with all the yummy food and drink, and I will not let myself go hungry.
I will practice a bit of self-compassion by telling myself – ‘Rhiannon, it’s ok to be carrying a bit more fat. That does not make you a bad person.’ I will continue to exercise and focus on how strong, healthy and fit my body is and all the wonderful things it can do.
You see, maybe it’s my mind and not my body that needs to change. Because pre holiday bullshit diets can go f*ck themselves.
Right, where’s the credit card, let’s go shopping for a new summer wardrobe!