Don’t know about you, but my sex life is pretty different since having children, as in, they’ve killed it. Dead. Gone. NO MORE. So here’s ten reasons why having kids has ruined my sex life…
1. Everything’s gone floppy. Floppy boobies, floppy belly, floppy eye bags. Mama just ain’t feeling it babes.
2. Too tired. Most evenings I have the energy of a rohypnoled sloth, and that just ain’t sexy.
3. No more morning sex. These days I’m just mourning sex.
4. I have let myself go. I used to dry and style my hair and paint my toenails. I even used to shave my legs Goddamn it! These days general maintenance is so far down the to-do list that I look about as sexy a dead Hairy Biker. And let’s not even talk about my bush, because it usually resembles that kid from Diversity on a bad hair day.
5. Getting into our bed at night, only to find it’s been made into a Pokémon hospital. Don’t know about you, but I can’t get my jiggy on with Popplio watching.
6. No more drunk sex. We used to love a bit of drunk sex, but now that I don’t drink – alas – that chapter is closed. Saturday nights usually consist of a take away and me trying not to fall asleep in front of yet another Netflix movie. ‘Turn on’ level – nil.
7. My hubs was ‘down that end’ during the birth. My second baby was breech and came out bum first. The pressure on her bum during labour meant that poo was actually being squeezed out of her anus, at the same time I was pushing her out. Imagine the sight, it was a bit like at Christmas when Aldi does that bird, within a bird, within a bird.
8. My dress sense can sometimes be a bit – ‘meh’. And yes I will quite often put jim jams on at 5pm.
9. My weak pelvic floor. I’m just guessing here, but I think it’s quite unattractive to my husband that I p*ss myself whenever I sneeze.
10. Illness/infection. Norovirus, piles, lice, worms. When the kids had worms I recall one night after yoga feeling a tickle in my bum hole. I shared this info with my hubs. ‘That’s disgusting’ he grimaced. ‘Maybe it isn’t worms,’ I said, trying desperately to claw back a molecule of attractiveness. ‘Maybe I’ve just got a sweaty bum after yoga?’
So, ok we’re having a slump. But before you start throwing sex therapist names and waxing salon numbers at me. Fear not. I’m alright. We may not be doing it three times a week, but we’re ok with that. For now. I think? Having little kids changes everything doesn’t it? And anyway, I don’t know many working parents with small kids who are doing it all the time. If you are good for you, you’re ace!
Thanks for reading and please head back to my latest insta post with your comments Rhi x