Dear Competitive Mum…

Get a grip mate.

There’s always going to be another child who’s better than your kid, so inevitably, you’re setting yourself up for a fall.

Yes I’m talking to you, the mum who, at last year’s sports day was screaming so loudly at the finishing line, you would have thought her life – or her hair extensions – depended on it.

The mum who during the spud and spoon race actually stuck her shellac into the potato, so she could sprint to the finishing line and win. I mean really? What does that teach them? Can I just tell you what a complete and utter prick you looked like running along with a potato stuck on your thumb.

To the mum who was waiting in line with me at the last parent’s evening eyeing up all the other children’s workbooks. Jeez. WTAF?

‘It’s just so tempting to have a peak and see how they compare isn’t it?’ you said.

Erm, no, actually it isn’t pal. I couldn’t give a fiddler’s fart how good your little Johnny is at Maths. I find it hard enough to be interested in my own kid’s Maths achievements thank you very much.

To the mum who always asks – ‘What reading book is yours on?’

I say – why don’t you mind your own f-ing business. And anyway, why are you bothered? Why are you even comparing? It’s hard enough worrying about your own kid’s shizzle let alone contemplating the school work of other people’s offspring.

You see, there a theory called – The Multiple Forms of Intelligence by an education practitioner called Howard Gardner and guess what? Yes, my kid might be ‘book clever’. She may well be reading War and Peace by the time she’s in Year 3 whilst your kid is still on Biff and Chip, but also guess what? She’s crap at Maths and she can’t draw for fudge cake. And that’s fine. Because they’re all different and they’re all intelligent in different ways.

Don’t compare. It’s as pointless as comparing a bike and a bollock.

Don’t put pressure on you kid to be the best, because it’s never gonna happen.

Don’t be a pushy, competitive mum. You just end up looking like a knob.

And please, don’t ever stick your shellac into a potato just to win at sports day.

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