10 Things that happened to me down below after giving birth…

  1. The first shit was like straining a large cactus out of my tight, little rectum. Quite possibly on par – pain wise – with the actual pushing out of the baby.
  2. The first wee had to happen whilst sat in a tepid bath.
  3. I bled so much that I had to wear a pad the size of a single mattress in my knickers.
  4. Day one post partum I sneezed and a bunch of piles popped out of my arse.
  5. I only had one very small tear, which I was very proud of. Until my gay best mate pointed out – ’Maybe that’s not something you should be boasting about babes.’
  6. The first time I went running (around six weeks later, and way too soon… for me) it felt like there was an elephant’s trunk hanging out of me and bashing against the walls of my vagina. I guess my cervix hadn’t gone back up then?
  7. Peezing (peeing whilst sneezing) became a very unwelcome, normal part of life.
  8. When I looked at my undercarriage in the mirror about two days after giving birth (not advisable), my peggy looked like and upside down handbag with the lining pulled out. No filter could have sorted that shit out hun bun.
  9. Everything stretched, tore, sagged and bled… but guess what, five years on and it’s pretty much back to normal.
  10. I let my bush grow 70s style, because… well, getting a Hollywood aint really that high on my todo list these days babes.

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